naukhel | Why didn't I think of this before?

Via the spEak You're bRanes website, I have come across the jewel of a website that is Andy Kadir-Buxton's homepage. He seems to be a genuine loon, convinced that he's found the cure for (almost) all mental disorders - hitting people in the head hard enough to stun them.

I'm not even joking.

In case clicking on outside links isn't your style, let's break down a bit of what he says on his amazing website. It's all very scientific.

Decades ago I discovered a cure for mental health problems. The cure, which I term the Kadir-Buxton Method, has been used on a wide variety of mental health problems. The procedure stuns and resets the brain of the patient, so that the patient returns to a normal condition. The Kadir-Buxton Method is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time and pressure with the soft part of the inner hand which is where the thumb joins the hand. The arrow in Figure 1 shows this point for your ease of use.

"For your ease of use". Just in case you want to try this out on your depressed significant other, or your child who's suffering from ADHD. I'm glad that someone has been looking into a more cost-effective way of tackling the problem of mental health, anyway! Who'd have thought that it was possible with just the palms of our hands? Just got to make sure it's exactly the same pressure when you smack your ~~victim~~ patient.

At this point I would like to explain the difference between a stun and a punch. With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill. Try it for yourselves if you do not believe me.

I'm just quoting that bit because I like the description. Try it for yourselves if you don't believe him!

The patient is asked to remember the trauma as vividly as possible, and the stun technique is then used. The procedure of remembering the trauma and the stun technique must be done three times for the memory to be totally erased. Once the trauma is eradicated, the patient is cured. With rape victims, the Kadir-Buxton Method should be done only twice, so that most of the trauma of the rape is taken away, and yet the victim can still remember the incident for any future court case. Similarly, paedophiles can be made to stop attacking children when the Kadir-Buxton Method is used twice, if my method is used three times the paedophile can be so shocked by their previous behaviour that they commit suicide.

I really don't know what to say about that last sentence. Is he touting that as a bad thing or a good thing?

I have found that using the Kadir-Buxton Method three times whilst alcoholics and drug addicts are remembering their love of what they are addicted to as vividly as possible takes away all cravings to carry on with their addiction.

The only way I can see this working is as some kind of pavlovian cognitive behaviour experience. Sure, if every time you think of alcohol someone hits you around the head hard enough to stun you, you'll probably learn to resent alcohol. Something tells me that the words "resetting the brain" are a rather clunky euphemism for "head trauma".

You will find that the Kadir-Buxton Method is also effective against comas and senility, amongst other things.

Do I even really need to make a statement about that? As amusing as the idea of someone trying to smack sense into someone who's senile or beat someone out of a coma is, of course.

I am having a hard time getting the Kadir-Buxton Method used in the UK because it would cut down the number of professionals that are needed at present, and of course, cut the amount of expensive drugs that drug companies sell at present.

I wonder why.

A volunteer should be asked to write on a piece of paper an everyday piece of information that they are well aware such as the colour of the walls of a kitchen, the colour of the car, or mother's maiden name. After a third party has got the piece of paper, the volunteer is asked to remember the memory as vividly as possible. The Kadir-Buxton is then administered for the first time. The volunteer is again asked to remember as vividly as possible this memory. For the second time the Kadir-Buxton Method is used. And finally, the volunteer is asked for a third time to visualise the memory, before the Kadir-Buxton is administered. Now you will find that the volunteer cannot remember the answer that is written on the piece of paper, and the third party can reveal what is written down to both of you.

Again, if you asked me to be the volunteer in that experiment, I'm sure I'd forget what colour the walls in my kitchen are after being beaten about the head multiple times. "Please don't, I don't remember what colour they are, just don't hit me again!!!!"

I have found that hypnotists have the ability to undo all this good, and the patient is left back at the mental health problem state. Because this can be foreseen, the patient can be asked to remember as vividly as possible how much they like hypnotists three times, each time stunning the patient so that they will not get your good work reversed at a later date.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

All of this is just from the opening page of his website. I haven't even got onto the extra links, like "reducing labour pains by 80%" or "the orgasmic nose". I don't know if I want to. By all means, terrify yourselves if you want to.

[EDIT:]

All blockages [in the fallopian tubes] that I have found have been dead bacteria, or sometimes lemonade which is a result of a country wide practice of lesbians at Universities.

...Wait, what!?